Text if you need some – ‘No Strings Attached’ Review

The question that No Strings Attached asks has been an ongoing debate among young people for as long as anyone can remember. Can a guy and a girl have a purely sexual relationship and never develop any emotions or attachments to the other?

Of course, this is Hollywood, so no one is going around thinking any attempt is going to be made to propose a thoughtful theory on the subject. We’ll get the nicely packaged ending just after an avalanche of predictability and then leave the theater in bitter remonstrance against the trivialities of the Hollywood machine.

Come on, the thing’s predictable, so what? I’m gonna take this opportunity to call a halt to any and all badmouthing of this movie’s predictability factor. Know why? Because at least it’s honestly predictable. If you saw the preview, you’ve seen the movie, so don’t act all offended when the movie ends exactly like you knew it would.

Yeah, it’s driven entirely by the chemistry of Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman, but it’s much better than most romantic comedies these days, whether they’re going in reverse or not.

Adam and Emma met at a summer camp as kids, where she was his emotional crutch while suffering through the divorce of his parents. His bungling amorous advances were summarily shrugged off, with a cursory explanation that she’s just not an affectionate person. Sadly, I happen to know exactly how he felt.

Jump ahead 14 years and Adam and Emma discover they still have a fire smoldering between them. With people falling in love all around them, they embark on a noble mission to maintain a purely sexual relationship without all that foolish emotional stuff clouding up the proceedings.

Emma is a brilliant and insanely busy doctor, and Adam is an aspiring screenwriter making his way into Hollywood (note: it’s not at all uncommon for talentless screen-writers to write themselves into their own scripts). 14 years after Emma helped awaken Adam to his physical goofiness, they run into each other and discover that they’re both living in Los Angeles.

We see a little more of their history, including a meeting at a frat party and Adam accompanying Emma to her father’s funeral, all of which is laid out in great, unnecessary detail, contributing to the vast, 110-minute running time that the movie’s diminutive premise can’t even begin to justify. The movie’s way too slow. I’m gonna leave it at that.

So here’s what’s happening now. Adam can’t seem to escape from the enormous Hollywood shadow of his TV-star father (Kevin Kline), who is also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend (Ophelia Lovibond), callously destroying any lingering beliefs Adam might have had in true love. Emma’s sister and best friend are both finding love, but she’s just too busy and can’t be bothered with such happy crappy nonsense, so she and Adam soon get busy putting their smack down on each other and then gleefully parting before breakfast.

But whatever, right? The point is they’re sleeping together and we’re meant to be entertained while we ushered through a predictable story to an inevitable Hollywood conclusion. I have no problem with that, as long as it’s a fun ride.

The problem is that the movie is more of a huge copout than an entertaining comedy. It doesn’t have even close to the pace that the story requires, but it’s tragically watered-down, like they were trying to get a softer rating. It’s rated R, thank God, but mostly for language and Ashton Kutcher’s ass. And by language I mostly mean half-wit screenwriter Elizabeth Meriwether gleefully stuffing Natalie Portman’s mouth with horizonless streams of profanity. Because, as we all know, cussing hotties are totally in these days.

That’s cool though. But what about that big question the movie asks? Can two people have a purely physical relationship or not? Are we meant to take the pre-packaged ending as a ‘no’? Well, in Hollywood they can’t, obviously, unless they’re real life actors flywheeling through meaningless trysts with each other, but that stuff sells too. Go figure.

But in the movie’s defense, it has a strong female lead. Natalie Portman has been criticized for jeopardizing her Oscar chances with Black Swan by appearing in a train wreck just before the Academy Awards, but it should be noted that the whole movie clings to her for dear life. She lays down all the rules, and Kutcher spends the entire movie basking in her glow. She allows him to avoid the blowhard image that he’s been radiating since Dude, Where’s My Car? and actually come across as a guy that might be worth something. With another actress in the lead role, his character may very well have fallen completely and helplessly flat.

But even though most of the rest of the cast is almost uniformly wasted, it’s still a pretty good date movie, and that’s about 90% of what’s required of a romantic comedy.

No Strings Attached trivia – the original title was Friends with Benefits, but was changed to afford Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake the opportunity to inflict upon us exactly the same story this coming July. Can’t wait.

The Bean Meter

P.S. In other news, Eminem has donated a dead animal to charity. What a guy!